How to Be the Best Ally You Can Be

What to Say and Do in Support of Those in Grief

Their grief is VALID

Losing a loved one, regardless of age or species, is a devastating life event that we all experience. Whether the passing of your beloved pet was anticipated or unexpected and happened suddenly, the loss is never easy. 

We all experience grief differently. While there are 7 stages of grief, grief itself is non-linear, there is no time table.

We are taught that you move through grief in a specific order, but that's the furthest thing from the truth. It’s common to jump from one stage of grief to another without any rhyme, reason, or trigger. You can jump between the 7 stages, you may never experience a specific stage, and you may be stuck in a stage for a while. All of this is completely normal and completely okay. We want to give you an explanation on the 7 stages so you can have a better understanding of what you are feeling. We hope that understanding these stages better can help you find relief from them and help you find peace and closure faster.

Shock: A feeling of shock is almost unavoidable, even if you feel prepared for the loss. This tends to be the first feeling one feels after a loss, which leads to the next stage, Denial. These two tend to go hand in hand more often than not.

Denial: A defense mechanism that helps people protect themselves from the shock of loss. Disbelief or arguing with whoever told us that the loss has occurred, that “you’re wrong” or “this can’t be happening”. This sometimes wears off quickly, whereas it can come back on random days, in random moments.

Anger: A feeling of anger can be part of the grieving process. Anger towards the loved one who we have lost, anger at someone else, anger at ourselves. This anger can be a slow burn, can spark quickly and fade, and sometimes it’s difficult to let go of the anger. Try not to be too hard on yourself if you can’t release the anger and seek help if you feel you need it.

Bargaining: A stage where people may try to make deals with the situation. This can look like many things, arguing with your preferred God or Gods, trying to bargain with medical professionals, or even bargain with the loved one we’ve lost.

Depression: A grief reaction that can vary from person to person. This can be long lasting depression, additional depression if you are already struggling, or short lived depression while you are coming to terms with the loss. Again, if you feel you need help, please do not bottle it up. There are many groups available for pet grieving in our state, many being virtual.

Acceptance: A stage where people accept that the loss has occurred. This can be conflicting with the other stages, and you can easily slip back into any other stage. Do not get discouraged if you struggle with this stage.

Processing grief: A stage where people work through their grief. It sounds strange that this is a stage, but many people do not process their grief as they don’t know how to, as grief is different for everyone. Grief is a snowflake, it looks different for everyone. Make sure you find something that works for you. It could be picking up a new hobby or putting more effort into an existing one, it could be focusing on work, it could be finding a new routine, just make sure whatever you choose is healthy.

When it comes to pet grief, something we don’t discuss is the adventure of finding a new forever pet. This can be a difficult transition, as you don’t want to ever feel that you are replacing your special pet. Please know that these feelings are completely normal. Just remember, there's no one who can replace your loved one. However, you still have love to give to the next pet. Love is not finite, there is no limit to what we have to give to those around us. Love is infinite, so long as we are ready to give it.

From all of us here at Friendship Pet Memorial Park, please accept our most heartfelt condolences on the recent loss of your beloved pet. We hope you are able to find peace and closure during this difficult time. 

During the Early Days

When pet loss grief is new and fresh, it can be almost unbearable, and sometimes it's a bit unnerving to be with someone who is only hours away from a loss. What can you do during this most difficult time?

Simply listen. Take time to sit down with a grieving friend and ask about their deceased pet. They will be more than willing to share their favorite memories. Let the grieving person know that it's okay to cry in front of you, to get angry, or to break down. Don't try to reason with them over how they should or shouldn't feel. The bereaved should feel free to express their feelings, without fear of judgment, argument, or criticism.

Be willing to sit in silence. Sometimes the grieving friend or family member will find it too difficult to talk, but takes great comfort in having someone close by. Don't press if the grieving person doesn't feel like talking. You can offer comfort and support with your silent presence. If you can't think of something to say, just offer eye contact, a squeeze of the hand, or a reassuring hug.

Let the bereaved one talk about how their pet died. People who are grieving may need to tell the story over and over again, sometimes in minute detail. Be patient. Repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting the death. With each retelling, the pain lessens.

Ask how you can help. Be willing to take over as many simple tasks as possible. Even small jobs can add to the stress of a grieving person. Be willing to take the initiative; many people have trouble accepting help when it's offered. You may need to simply tell them what task you are doing on their behalf, and then do it.

Mention the pet's name. Grieving people need to feel like their animal companion has not been forgotten, and mentioning their name in conversation will also makes it easier for everyone to talk about their feelings about the death.

Take the Time to Call. Pick up the phone regularly, and call your grieving friend to see how he is doing. Place a call within a couple days of the funeral to let your friend know you are always free to talk, and then follow-up every few days to see if they need help with anything.

What Not to Say

Some people feel that recovery from pet loss should be easier, and shorter, than grieving the loss of a human being. We at Friendship Pet Memorial Park know that grief and mourning have their own time table. Your friend may still be in grief months after the loss. Being conscious of their unique timetable, and mindful of the support they'll need throughout this time can make all the difference – to both of you.

There are some basic comments to avoid when comforting the bereaved. These include statements that imply you know what they are going through, or that your experience was more difficult than theirs. Basically, you should always be mindful of what you are saying; even if it means 'thinking twice' before opening your mouth to speak. Here are a few of the things you should never say:

• "I know how you feel." One can never know how another may feel. You could, instead, ask your friend to tell you how he or she feels.
• "It's part of God's plan." This phrase can make people angry and they often respond with, "What plan? Nobody told me about any plan."
• "Look at what you have to be thankful for." They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.
• "He's in a better place now." The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.
• "This is behind you now; it's time to get on with your life." Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means "forgetting" their animal companion. In addition, moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.
• Statements that begin with "You should" or "You will." These statements are too instructive, and assume that you know better than they. Instead you could begin your comments with: "Have you thought about..." or "You might..."

What Should You Say?

While it is common to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is grieving, the following are suggestions to make it easier for you to show how much you really care:

• Acknowledge the situation. Example: "I heard that your_____ died." Use the word "died" That will show that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels.
• Express your concern. Example: "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you."
• Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings. Example: "I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."
• Offer your support. Example: "Tell me what I can do for you."
• Ask how he or she feels. Don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.

Continue your support over the long haul. Stay in touch with the grieving person, periodically checking in, dropping by, or sending letters or cards. Your support is more valuable than ever once the initial shock of the loss has worn off.

Don't make assumptions based on outward appearances. The bereaved person may look fine on the outside, while inside he or she is suffering. Avoid saying things like "You are so strong" or "You look so well." This puts pressure on the person to keep up appearances and to hide his or her true feelings.

The pain of bereavement may never fully heal. Be sensitive to the fact that life may never feel the same. You don't "get over" the death of a animal companion. The bereaved person learns to accept the loss. The pain may lessen in intensity over time. But the sadness may never completely go away.

Offer extra support on special days. Certain times and days of the year will be particularly hard for your grieving friend or family member. Holidays, family milestones, birthdays, and anniversaries often reawaken grief. Be sensitive on these occasions. Let the bereaved person know that you're there for whatever he or she needs.